The Wisdom of Tears

Lately, I've been reflecting a lot on how much we as a society push tears away - like they're something to hide or fix. From the time we're kids, we're told "stop crying", "don't be a baby", or the classic "boys don't cry" (and even girls get subtle messages that too many tears make them seem weak or overly emotional). In professional settings, at work, or in public, shedding tears often gets labeled as unprofessional, dramatic, or a sign of losing control. Culturally, especially in many Western and traditional societies, stoicism is praised - tough it out, keep it together, don't show vulnerability.

Research backs this up: studies across dozens of countries show women cry more than men (often 2-5 times as often), but the gap is bigger in places with more freedom of expression, while in stricter cultures, everyone suppresses more. Men, in particular, face heavy socialization to bottle it up, leading to higher shame around crying and long-term emotional suppression that can contribute to stress, isolation, or even health issues. We've internalized this idea that adults should be "strong" by not crying, but what if the real strength is in allowing the release? Suppressing tears doesn't make the emotions disappear - it just stores them deeper in the body, building tension, anxiety, or disconnection over time.

That's why reclaiming tears feels so revolutionary. They're not a flaw; they're a wise, built-in mechanism for healing. In this piece, let's revisit and expand on why tears are so important for us as adults - from psychosomatic, anatomical, and hormonal perspectives - backed by science. Crying isn't indulgence; it's essential self-care that resets us, clears stored stress, and opens the door to genuine peace and joy.

‍Psychosomatic Benefits: Healing Mind Through Body

‍Psychosomatics explores how emotions live in the body, and crying is one of the most direct ways to release what gets trapped there. When we hold back tears, stress hormones like cortisol build up, contributing to chronic issues - tension headaches, tight muscles, digestive problems, weakened immunity, or even heightened anxiety and depression. Emotional crying, though, acts as a natural regulator.

Research shows crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system (our "rest and digest" mode), calming the fight-or-flight response after an initial spike. This shift helps process overwhelming feelings, reducing overall arousal and promoting emotional balance. Studies indicate that people often feel calmer, clearer, and more in control after crying, as it provides a self-soothing effect - almost like a built-in therapy tool. For adults carrying years of accumulated stress, grief, or trauma, allowing tears prevents the "wear and tear" of suppression, which can manifest as burnout or somatic symptoms. One key finding: crying helps encode meaningful emotional experiences, aiding self-awareness and long-term mental health. 

‍Anatomical Reasons: The Body's Natural Release Valve

‍Anatomically, tears start in the lacrimal glands above the eyes, triggered by signals from the brain's emotional hubs (like the amygdala for fear/grief and hypothalamus for regulation). We produce three types: basal (for lubrication), reflex (for irritants), and emotional (the healing ones). Emotional tears are chemically richer - containing proteins, hormones, and stress compounds not found in the others.

When we cry fully (with sobs, deep breaths, body shakes), it engages the whole autonomic nervous system: heart rate and breathing adjust, the diaphragm releases tension, and stored energy from trauma or stress discharges. This full-body involvement is why crying often feels exhausting yet relieving - like completing an unfinished survival response. In somatic terms, it's a way to "thaw" frozen trauma energy, preventing it from turning into chronic pain or numbness. For adults, where life piles on layers of unprocessed emotion, this anatomical release is crucial - it's the body's way of saying, "I've held this; now let it go".

‍Hormonal Reasons: The Chemical Reset

‍Hormonally, crying is pure alchemy. Emotional tears flush out stress-related substances, including cortisol and other toxins, lowering their levels in the body. At the same time, the act triggers a flood of feel-good chemicals:

• Oxytocin (the "love" or "bonding" hormone) rises, fostering calm, trust, and even a sense of connection (even when crying alone).
• Endorphins act as natural painkillers and mood boosters, easing both emotional and physical discomfort - explaining that lighter, euphoric feeling afterward.
• Other compounds like leucine-enkephalin (a natural opioid) add to the soothing effect. This hormonal shift counters chronic stress: lower cortisol prevents anxiety buildup, while oxytocin and endorphins promote recovery and resilience. Genderplays a role - women often have higher prolactin (which may promote crying),while testosterone can raise the threshold for men - but both benefit equally when tears flow. Long-term, regular emotional release supports hormonal balance, better sleep, and reduced risk of stress-related conditions.

‍Permission to Feel It All

‍Friends, tears matter because they're our body's intelligent way of restoring equilibrium - psychosomatically bridging mind and body, anatomically discharging trapped energy, and hormonally rebalancing our inner chemistry. In a society that glorifies suppression, choosing to cry (or at least feel without shame) is an act of radical self-kindness. It doesn't make us weaker; it makes us more whole, more connected, more alive.

If tears feel distant or scary, start gently: create safety with breath, soft music, or a trusted space. Invite them without force - maybe through a heartfelt song, memory, or even a sad movie. And when they come, meet them with compassion: "It's okay, I'm here". You've carried so much; let the tears help lighten the load.

What comes up for you around this? Have you noticed the difference when you allow a good cry? Share if it feels right - your experiences inspire us all. Sending you deep permission and warmth. You've got this tender, powerful heart. 😊 

With heartfelt compassion and dedication,
Nisarga Eryk Dobosz - BBTRS, BCST, CI, MER, LOMI, NARM